In Buddhism, there is the story of how, when the man who we know as the Buddha was sitting under the Bodhi tree becoming enlightened, a demon1 came to tempt him, to distract him, to get in the way of his enlightenment. That demon was called Mara2. The Buddha-to-be touched the earth, grounding himself, and Mara (and his armies) disappeared. The Buddha then attained enlightenment.
Later, Mara would still occasionally appear to the Buddha. Like he couldn’t give up trying. Whenever this happened, though, the Buddha simply noted Mara’s presence with “I see you” and, poof, Mara would disappear.
Today, many of us use Mara as a shorthand for things that arise and get in our way.
Why am I writing about this? Well, because last night Mara apparently decided to have a slumber party at my house.
It’s coming up on a year since the ending of my last relationship. I haven’t seen my ex in over 9 months and we have virtually no communications. This is by his choice3 and, no matter how much I would have preferred a friendlier post-coupled relationship, I accept this is the way things are. Rationally, that is. I accept it rationally. Unfortunately, emotionally, well, it seems part of my brain is not always playing on the same team. To wit: last night I had nightmare after nightmare, clearly about the former us and/or the way things are now. It was a rough night.
I woke up in the morning, in tears from the last one. It was one of those dreams where nothing makes sense or works the way it would in the real world. Trapped, struggling, people saying completely illogical things and not being able to communicate with them…a full monty of FML. My heart ached. I was exhausted from the shit sleep, with a ton of tossing and turning and irrational fear.
The trigger for all this is almost surely that, yesterday, I received kind and positive attention from a potential date. Not over the top bullshit–no “Hello Gorgeous” or whatever. Rather, I simply got a sense of presence and actual interest in learning about who I am. He asked questions and was specific (like that he wanted to hear the story of the Triumph). That is so rare that it (obviously) flipped me out a bit. And, to be sure, we’re talking about just a few texts back-and-forth–nothing serious or heavy. Mostly the potential for maybe something, but that was enough to invite Mara for a visit, and one like a mezcal-infused mean drunk arguing about last call in my brain.
First thing I thought as I swung my feet off the bed to the ground? Hi Mara, I see you.
Mara is a representation of our own demons, of course, and that’s what I experienced last night: my own demons. The voices in my head telling me that I don’t deserve happiness or I would somehow be harming my ex if I moved on–those are all my own voices, not anything anyone is doing to me. A lifetime of struggles with the patriarchy and traumas, it’s no wonder they are there.
But, thanks to a lot of therapy and my dharma studies, I recognize these voices for what they are. Mara. Distractions. The arising of old shit.
Hilariously, when I finally checked my devices today, I had a message from yesterday’s person… and a new match as well.
Hey, Mara, I see you.
Please to fuck off now, okay?
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- Demons are metaphors in Buddhism. So are gods. ↩︎
- See https://e-buddhism.com/mara-buddhism/ ↩︎
- I assume he has his reasons for this distancing; I only know that the current post-breakup situation is not what I would choose. ↩︎