On July 28, 2025, my world underwent a fundamental shift: my ex called us done; that, as they say, was that1.
For the record, he wasn’t wrong. The us we had been had been on life support for some time before and, whatever the particular circumstances that led him to calling us done, again2, I knew it was indeed time to pronounce the death of us.
I was heartbroken, hurt. I was also worried about basic survival (money, housing, etc.) and angry, mostly at myself. I was deeply concerned for him3. But, beyond all this, I was terribly, profoundly, endlessly exhausted in body, mind, and soul. I couldn’t take it any more, which is why I didn’t fight to keep us together this time. I knew, in my bones, the time had come to save myself4, even if it meant losing everything.
And I was seriously concerned it could mean losing everything.
Spoiler: it didn’t.
So, I write not to mourn. Sure, I’m still sorry it didn’t work out, but I accept things as they are. Instead, I have chosen to make today one of celebration. Not celebration in that I’m-happy-I-got-that-bum-out-of-my-life sense, because I don’t feel that way (he’s not a bum and I still, truly, wish him well and happy), but rather celebrating my growth over the past year.
I have come far. With my therapist’s help, early on especially, I addressed some underlying trauma stuff that I hadn’t fully processed in the past5. I learned how to grieve better. I let my friends be there for me (and accepted that my family wouldn’t be). I got better about meditating and returned to sangha. I am making new friends, volunteering, trying things to see if I like them. I’m reading a ton more. And, so importantly, sleeping better.
I have made home repairs, taken care of things like new insurance, and paid the mortgage and bills regularly and better than on-time. I’m starting to think about things I want to do to the house and yard, not just what I have to do6. I kept my business running (had a great first 6 months of 2026, actually) and did a webinar for a photo group. I’ve been more neighborly, talking with anyone/everyone who walks by (usually when their dogs drink from my bowl). So many people have been kind, generous, supportive… I feel myself at home here, even more than before.
I let myself feel my feelings now. In particular, I feel the joy that I experience in my life which, honestly, I had locked away for a long time7. But really, I let myself feel everything, good and bad. Little things, bigger ones, doesn’t matter. I laugh. I cry. I recognize what arises and apply open curiosity to it all. I am present and alive. It’s not always easy and I still have waves of grief and sadness, but there is the full range of emotional flavors in my life now.
I feel profoundly lucky, most of all.
So, I bought myself some yellow roses when I was at Trader Joe’s this morning. They are my favorite roses (yellow over red, for sure) and, since there weren’t any Shasta daisies (my fave-fave flower), they made a fine runner-up. They brighten my dining room table and I can see them from where I am sitting, in the living room, now. I will indulge in a celebratory cocktail later, if cool enough on the upper deck (looking at the Pacific) or, if not, then on the patio. I will breathe and appreciate where I am.
It has been a full year, in every sense.
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- Unfortunately, we had to live together for a couple of months before he actually moved out (separate bedrooms, separate lives), but it was done-done on that announcement date. ↩︎
- He had said he was done when he was dysregulated, for years. I hated it, every time; but I understood that taking anyone at their word when they are dysregulated is a fool’s errand. ↩︎
- Watching someone you love flailing and making poor choices, is awful (even when the relationship is over). ↩︎
- My therapist never said outright that I should end things or that the relationship was abusive or anything like that. They were supportive of my stated mission to be a better partner if I could; but they also helped me to see how I was not honoring my own needs. The most they ever said in regards to events in the relationship was, occasionally, “I don’t like that for you.” On our last meeting, months later, I asked if that was kind of code and they smiled and nodded. ↩︎
- EMDR for the win, really. I was super skeptical about it–it sounds like hooey–but it helped so much. I did some before the break-up, actually, and I think that helped me to be able to do what I needed to when it happened. ↩︎
- I got replacements for the Sofa and the mattress, for example; maybe I will paint some walls? ↩︎
- Not that he ever asked for this, but it seemed kind of mean to be joyful around my ex when he was so not joyful (depressed/anxious/in pain…). I didn’t want him to feel like I was rubbing his nose in it. ↩︎