I run the dishwasher maybe once a week. When I do, it’s almost always on the “quick wash” cycle and the machine is maybe half-full. It’s not like I don’t use dishes (I eat…trust me, I eat) but I tend to wash whatever I dirty immediately after use rather than let them stack up or even turn the 180º required to put something in the dishwasher. Also, most of my tools are not dishwasher-friendly: carbon steel or cast iron pans, for example, or my stainless steel coffee mug. Oh, and kitchen knives never, ever go in the dishwasher1. So, often, there is only a flatware knife and a fork and a small plate which, since I’m already washing the other tools, get quickly washed in the sink.
When I was partnered, we ran the machine a lot more. Somehow, adding one other person makes the amount of dirty dishes more than double. This isn’t a “The Ex” thing–I’ve noticed it whenever I’ve been partnered versus single. Same for groceries: more than doubled in partnership. Don’t get me started on the long, long showers men take…and usually every day. I’m a bather, generally, and do so not every day2; when I do take a shower it takes like 5 minutes and this despite having a shitton of hair3 to wash and long legs to shave. I also don’t leave the faucet running when I brush my teeth. I live in a desert next to an ocean–desalinated water is precious and it is expensive4.
In short, in my experience, the idea that expenses are halved when shared with a partner is about as legit as chemtrails.
Part of this is that I am frugal. Frugality is not stinginess. I am generous: giving of money, time, effort to others. If anything, I tend to over-gift; I’m totally okay with that. Being frugal means being not wasteful; by being not wasteful, things last longer or you get more out of less. For example, when it is cooler, I like to get a whole chicken that I roast. I eat a meal or two of roasted chicken; then I throw the (still meaty) carcass into a pot and make soup. If I don’t share with my neighbor(s) (but I usually do), I can eat well for a week off one chicken. Obviously, I have no problem eating “leftovers” (I use quotes because I think that’s a negatively connoted misnomer–it’s food). Soup tomorrow is probably better than soup made and eaten today–the flavors blend, etc. In general, I live rather simply and don’t yearn for more.
As I wrote last, I’ve been living solo again for a full year now. When I hit the one-year mark, I realized that I could compare apples-to-apples, financially, and so I did. That is, I could compare my actual costs from Jan 1 to his move out date in 2025 versus the same period in 2026, to see how much more expensive it is living alone, carrying the full housing costs, etc. I ran the reports in my banking software. Then, I did it again because I thought I must have missed something. While it is apples-to-apples, the actual bank accounts used, etc., are not exactly the same, so it’s a bit complicated. In fact, I got it wrong at first and it looked like it cost me less! Whoops… one important category was missed. So, I did the accounting again later, when I was more present. The results were still quite surprising: while it does cost me more, it was much less than I expected5. Much, much less.
It’s worth it. Call it a “freedom tax.” I am paying for my independence.
I have a friend who is in a bad relationship but, like so many these days, despite making a good living he is in a bind financially. For him to move out would increase his costs a ton. Rents here are insanely high. Before I ran my numbers, I considered taking him in as a roommate (platonic). In many ways even after running them it would make sense to do that, but I just hate the idea of having a roommate. My house is small and there is limited closet space, etc. With a romantic partner these things don’t matter as much but with a roommate, I would essentially be trading comfort and privacy for money.
I’d rather not. So, while I could save more by doing that, or moving back to Ohio or someplace else less expensive, I choose not to. It’s hard for me, though, to let myself do that. That is, to permit myself to do what I want rather than what the voice in my head, the one that says I am being selfish or irresponsible6 says I should do, is effortful. This is, unfortunately, very common in women like me who have trauma in our backgrounds and who are very resilient. Money is a thing for us. Learning that this is a thing, a pathology of sorts7, helped a lot.
Perhaps this all means that my frugality is a coping mechanism. Probably, yes. But I don’t mind it as long as I keep it in check, that is, making sure I’m not moving into deprivation under the guise of frugality. I think if I had said “yes” to the friend moving in, that would have been an example of going too far. I do give myself treats like my monthly facials and good food but I don’t buy things for show. I do buy what I need and, sometimes, what I want.
Like so much in life, the Buddhist idea of the middle path again resonates. As does simply being present in what is, now. And, today, my bills are paid, I have no debt other than the mortgage, and I have the financial freedom to live solo. I can’t express how happy and proud I am that I have built this life.
Now if I could just get that little shaming voice to shut up. 😉
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- It literally makes me shudder to think of people doing that or, what my mom used to do, leaving them soaking in the bottom of a full sink. Yikes! ↩︎
- It’s actually better for you (and your hair if you have it) not to do a full wash every day. See, e.g., https://www.bbc.com/culture/article/20240423-theres-no-need-to-shower-every-day-heres-why ↩︎
- My hair is not only long, it is fine (individually) and thick (more hairs than the average person). ↩︎
- Oddly, the men I have partnered with who grew up in this desert have been the worst about wasting water. ↩︎
- I am very, very lucky that I have a low interest mortgage so, while my payment ain’t nothing, it isn’t reflective of what a similar mortgage would cost today. If I were forced to refinance at today’s rates, I’d never be able to do it. ↩︎
- See Normal in my Crazy ↩︎
- See, e.g., https://anniewright.com/financial-trauma-driven-women-therapist-guide/ ↩︎