Anyone who has been in therapy has almost certainly heard that healing is not linear. While I know in my bones that is true, it sucks when the wave turns into a trough. That is where I am lately; I have been, well, struggling.
I suspect some of this is due to the world being a flaming shitpile lately. That greedy, insane, orange traitor in the White House has pretty much destroyed the country. I never thought it was a “shining city on a hill1,” but I did think in the past that it was more good than bad. Now? All bets are off.
And it isn’t just the USA: other places are fighting their own battles against fascism. I fear that with the amount of wealth involved, the fascists may just win. I am horrified that many of these wealthy shitbags are American (what ever happened to decency?), but we’re certainly not the only country churning out ultra-rich hateful fucktards. It’s scary.
That said, I can’t blame all my malaise on the state of the world. It feels more personal than that.
Very lately, I have been finding myself (irrationally) missing my ex and wondering if there was something more I could have done to make us work. I know, rationally, the answer is “no”; but I still catch myself watching things like Couples Therapy and thinking I should have tried to give him more space to recognize what he was bringing (or failing to bring) into the us we made. For him to see that I was never an enemy. As if my fighting for us another week, month, year would have made a difference.
Buried in all this is that I am actually feeling lonely, which is weird for me because I like solitude. On top of that, I am more than a bit resentful about it. Not (maybe surprisingly to others) resentful towards the Ex–it isn’t about him at all, really. And I’m not profoundly lonely for a partner generally (although I would really like to have a good date–some fun/amusement). No, rather, I resent that I don’t have family support. I am lonely in that sense.
I have friends and acquaintances–it’s not like I live in a cave and have absolutely no one. It’s not that kind of lonely I’m feeling. I know there are people who will help me when needed and who give a shit about me. But I wish I had familial closeness.
Recently, I went out with a friend/neighbor for the monthly wine tasting at a neighborhood restaurant. It was lovely. She is single as well, a bit younger, and a smart, creative, good human. Where we differ2 is that she has a lot of family support: parents, siblings, even cousins. They are close. They make trips to visit each other and it is clear she very much likes them, and they her. I am so glad for her that she has that. It’s a pleasure to listen to her talk about them and her experiences.
However, it does sound, for me, so foreign. It’s not something I have ever really had. Not since early childhood, at least.
There’s a significant age gap between me and my brothers. The next eldest was abusive to me my entire life3 and so we were never close. I was there for him, repeatedly, probably in some sad attempt to get some kindness in return. I put up with his know-it-all-ism and professed superiority for, well, decades. Finally, and after much therapy, I couldn’t take being treated as I was any more. I drew the line and he didn’t like that. We are barely in contact now.
Connected to that is how he made sure I couldn’t be close to my niece. No matter how I tried, he thwarted it. No grace, no “even though things are tough between her and me, you don’t need to pick sides” from him. I never told her any of what he did to me, never made him look bad; but when I just couldn’t bring myself to go to her wedding (other side of the country, btw) because of him, she essentially wrote me off. It hurt. It still does.
My eldest brother was a great big brother when I was younger. He taught me to count to 100 in French when I was 4 or 5, didn’t chase me off when his friends were around, and, as a kid, I wanted to be like him. I even chose to go to college4 at Ohio University because he had gone there. As we got older, however, the distance between us grew. I suspect some of that is kind of normal. We had our own lives to lead, especially after he, then I, got married. Still, when I told him how awful the other brother had been to me he refused to “take sides,” saying he didn’t witness it. As Mandella and others have said, not taking sides is taking the side of the oppressor. Add in that he never so much as offered to come help me move or just be a shoulder to cry on after any break-up5 and, well, I came to recognize that he would not be there for me when I needed support in hard times6. In fact, when my ex-husband turned out to be online stalking me and I asked for my brother’s technical help (he was at the time my host and email provider) to gather digital evidence, he refused. I was afraid and alone and being told that I was hysterical.
It sucked. But I learned then what I could expect. It was not support. I was on my own if my needs were inconvenient. Definitely a lonely feeling and that was almost 20 years ago–since then, it has not improved.
A lot of my current feelings have to do with age, as well, I think. For example, I believe I miss my ex now because I thought I had found my person and, for better or worse, we would be there for each other as we aged. I had that sense of security. He did not have close family, like me, so we could be that for each other. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way. So, I am actually missing my idea of us, what I thought or told myself it was. I called us a family, one we created.
Perhaps my sense of loneliness (and fear of it?) is why I put up with more than I arguably should have for longer than I should have in that relationship. I know my sense of compassion and forgiveness definitely contributed. That is, I want someone to accept me with my flaws so that means giving other people grace for theirs but often go too far in that. It’s a pattern for me. I’m aware.
In Buddhism there is wise compassion and idiot compassion. Wise compassion is doing things that help for others (and yourself)–seeing the bigger picture and taking action that is helpful. Idiot compassion is doing things for others that actually is not helpful for them or causes your own detriment. Learning where the line is between those two is the trick.
Obviously, I’m still working on that.
My latest therapist said that they believed that I would not be repeating that pattern. I hope they’re right. In the meantime, I will deal with my lonely feelings and continue my emotional work.
The wave will rise again. The trough is temporary. And even in the trough, I’m okay. Just, y’know, kind of lonely.
- As Ronald Reagan (his own kind of sonofabitch) referred to it in his farewell address to the nation. ↩︎
- She also has enough money to not have to work–lucky her! ↩︎
- I think he resented me from birth–he was no longer the baby. That said, he was always Mom’s favorite. ↩︎
- Well, to start at least. I ended up going, in order and for undergrad, to OU, OSU, Georgia State, then back to OSU. ↩︎
- I’m not just talking about the latest–for that one he had good reason to not be flying out as he was fighting cancer. But I have had more than that ending and, well, no help came. ↩︎
- He and his wife did come out to my law school graduation, which was nice; a brief visit as they then headed up to visit their nephews and (her) family in the Pacific Northwest. ↩︎