You are so irresponsible.
That accusation still gives me palpitations, as if it were happening now. Money, in fact, still makes me twitch.
One brother said that awful phrase when I miscalculated my checking account and accidentally bounced a small payment while traveling in Europe, when I was a “starving” college student, about to turn 22. This was before traveling with debit cards (so I wasn’t hitting the ATMs or anything in Europe–my boyfriend and I had travelers checks!)–so it was a payment that I thought I had left enough money in my account to cover and for him to make while I was gone. It was an error, and a minor one, and one he could have simply taken care of for me and then I could have paid him back when I got home; but, instead, he had to berate me when I called to check in. The idea of making a mistake on my checkbook made me ill. Even before this. I can still remember the feeling of panic–thousands of miles away and unable to do anything but be called irresponsible1.
I have been counting pennies my whole life. I grew up with a mother who intentionally kept us poor. See, when my parents divorced, their agreement said that she would get paid a small alimony and more in child support2. My father thought she would go back to work and the alimony would be a bump on top of whatever she made. This was around 1969-70 and women were starting to go back to work after divorce–friends of my mom and dad did that. Any normal mother, especially one with her skills (she could type 100+ wpm on a manual typewriter, do shorthand, etc.) would have gone back to work.
Mom was not normal.
She simply refused to work. She felt owed. The universe and, especially, my father owed her… more. And if it meant her kids would go hungry or without things, well that would just prove what a horrible person my father was, in her mind. So, we did without3.
When it came time for my brothers to go to college, my father said he could pay for college (including dorms, etc.) or pay the child support (for the student), but he couldn’t do both. This isn’t just reasonable, it’s generous. But not generous enough for Mom who made it clear to my bothers that if they accepted the college money, they would be traitors and depriving her.
By the time the second brother left for college, when I was 11, every penny we could squeeze went “to the boys.” I was informed that buying anything for me was a waste of money–“the boys” needed more4.
I was, rather clearly, worth less.
Eventually, the second brother turned 21 (just before I turned 15) and the monthly check from Dad became $585. The other brother was working in another state, but not sending money home (Mom would never take money from her boys!). So, we lived on $585. Rent for our 2-bedroom apartment was $235. $350 for everything else, including giving the second brother money for his art supplies (and drugs5). I can still remember these numbers, 46 years later. Trying to figure out how to make it until the next dad-check was a regular way of life for me.
I swore that I would never be like my mom. I didn’t need to be rich, but I was not going to rely on someone else to “take care of me” and certainly not mooch off anyone. If I was going to succeed or fail, it was going to be by my own efforts. And I have…succeeded, I mean.
Also, throughout my life, I have paid more, given more, asked for less, tipped more, and done everything I could to not ever make anyone feel like I was taking advantage of them or that they were worth less. I could not bear causing anyone the pain I felt. This has, in fact, cost me. A lot. Especially when it comes to the men in my life6 (a pattern of giving more than I should have) but also in how I don’t count every minute when I bill hourly in my business, have historically undercharged, worked for free, or not pushed for raises, etc.
Turns out, all of that is shockingly normal for “driven” women. For women like me who have made ourselves financially successful7, often despite pretty amazing odds, the poverty mindset when it comes to ourselves is common. In fact, we’ll give to others, then freak out at buying ourself a pair of $75 shoes. Or (And) we compulsively check our financial accounts online–as if something drastic may have happened. We’re just crazy when it comes to our own finances.
Learning that I am “normal” in my crazy here means a lot for me. I’m not ignoring it, nor am I fearing it. It doesn’t weigh on me as it has. Instead, now, I’m reading up on it8 and taking steps to do better in my life. Some of that means grieving not standing up for my worth more in the past, sure, but mostly it is being able to sit with the discomfort9 about money and choosing to respond instead of react.
In fact, I just bought myself some new shorts without researching whether I could find similar ones for less somewhere else. I have a pair of these shorts, love them, and simply bought two more. In the past, I would have agonized over doing a purchase like that and probably not done it… at least not on the first try.
Today, I felt the discomfort… and did it anyway.
Crazy, sure. But a little less today than yesterday.
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- There have been other times I have been called irresponsible; they weren’t money-related and hurt and were, frankly, just as much bullshit. ↩︎
- Until we turned 21, by the way–not the usual 18. ↩︎
- Except for the one year when she sold the house (she got it in the divorce) and then, in that year, spent everything living in a luxury high-rise apartment (John Glenn had a unit!) and buying fabulous art and going to parties… my fourth grade year we lived rich; my fifth grade year we were eating peanut butter, again. ↩︎
- Much later I learned that she was lying about this–she sent money to one of my brothers, her favorite, not to the other. ↩︎
- This brother once confided in me that not only did he inject cocaine the first time he even tried that drug, he regretted never getting to try heroin. Regretted. But I’m the irresponsible one… ↩︎
- See, e.g., paying for 50% of the appliances when my partner had just inherited over $1.5 million, mentioned in Pizza. ↩︎
- To be sure, I am not rich…in fact I have a lot less than my siblings, for sure; but I’m not poor either. ↩︎
- See, e.g., Annie Wright’s (therapist) work in this area, like https://anniewright.com/financial-trauma-why-successful-women-still-have-a-painful-relationship-with-money/ ↩︎
- Thanks, Pema Chödrön. ↩︎