Being single again means, if I choose, dating again. I’m about a 9.5 out of 10 on the hetero scale1 so that means dating men. At first I was loathe to get back out there because I was just too wounded by the breakup of my last relationship. But, as I’m healing, I’ve started dipping my toe into the online/app dating world. Unfortunately, I have come to recognize that my chances of finding an equal partner, at least on those tools, are virtually nil. The patriarchy is strong out there.
Dating has always been difficult for me…well, when I am fully me that is. It’s not that I’m repulsive or anything. I’m actually relatively attractive physically, even as I age. No, the “problem” is that I’m really smart, very (very) educated, and self-sufficient. That is an unwanted combo. Men feel threatened; I have been told that I am “intimidating.” My most recent ex, who was arguably the least misogynistic of all the men I have ever been in a relationship with, said more than once things like that he resented me fixing stuff myself (note: I really enjoy fixing things), like somehow that hurt him. Me being me just seems to be a problem for, well, them.
I have, thus, far too often softened myself and made other trade-offs. These start innocently enough, trying to be nice or less threatening at least. But really I was just playing the patriarchy’s game: don’t make the man feel anything that might be threatening to his manhood. I bought into the idea that it was me–I was the problem.
In the words of Monty Python: I got better.
And now, hope springs eternal, as they say, and so I have put myself out there on a couple of the apps. But I have done so with intention and clearly stating that I am a feminist. If I get into anything again it will be as me, not the patriarchy-friendly version.
Many men on these apps check the box for a “deep, meaningful, longterm relationship” but the way they present themselves, well, it doesn’t match up. They seem mostly to be interested in finding a world travel companion and/or someone who does the same physical activity things they do like ski, golf, or (gods forbid) play pickleball. The profiles are shockingly full of [fill in the sport] photos, or, worse their cars or (yikes) grandkids2. The words are often sparse, vague, and shockingly often misspelled.
Some at least have the honesty to say they want someone to take care of them. These are men over 60 and they are still looking for a mommy. They need therapy, not a partner, and at least it’s damn easy to hit block on those. A few others say they want to take care of their partner which sounds okay, until you get to the possessive pronoun in their statement (i.e., “I take care of my woman”)3. Sigh…no thanks. And there are always just one or two who, frankly, I respect the most because they say that are not looking for anything serious and just want to hookup. Thanks for the honesty, my dudes.
What I don’t see in virtually everyone is evidence of much inner work. These guys aren’t talking about what touches them, what they really yearn for, what they are afraid of, what they offer emotionally. At best, some men use probably AI-generated text and throw out generically attractive terms like “values vulnerability” or “is emotionally intelligent.” Sadly, almost always, there will then be something that completely belies even that, like a picture of the man looking lecherous with bodacious (younger!) women or flashing bogus gang signs next to his Corvette. Again, they are over 60 and doing that shit. Peter Pan is on Viagra.
I will say that, so far, I have never seen a man display any form of the word patriarchy in his profile, like “I believe in dismantling the patriarchy,” but I’m sure it’s coming and it will almost as surely be disingenuous. Like the men who write that they “have learned from experience” don’t seem to mean “about myself and what I needed to work on” so much as “what I want in you and if you don’t match my imaginary list perfectly I’m out.” Or the politically conservative Buddhists (I’ve seen at least 2 of those and all I can think is how the fuck is that even possible?).
The hypocrisy on these apps is often off the scales: men demand a woman be in great shape while they can’t see their penis except in a mirror; they plea for “no baggage!” as if they haven’t ever had shit in their own lives; or they insist you bring “no drama” because, you know, it’s only okay for them to ever show anger.
Sigh.
Obviously, it’s been a struggle for me to even match up with anyone. While I’m not looking for perfect, of course, I know myself well enough to know that I have to be careful not to over compromise. When there aren’t a lot of fish in the sea, that’s an extra danger. Still, I have matched with a few and even had a couple of meet-dates. But that’s it. Nothing worth putting on makeup a second time.
It’s not that I didn’t get the feeling of fireworks or butterflies so I said “no” to a real date. Nope. What happened was that I felt like these men had no actual interest in who I was or what I thought. At these meetings they would talk, often quite a lot, but about themselves. It was quite rare for me to get a question about me4. I can’t tell you how many times, with all of these men, I offered a question that could easily have turned into an exchange of info (“What’s your favorite….?”) yet the follow-up (“And what’s yours?”) never came. I even had one man respond to almost all my direct questions with some form of “Guess!” like I’d ask “Where did you go to college?” and he’d say “You tell me…” with a smile as if he thought it fun or, worse, charming. Ugh. Awful.
I would love to find someone who wants to just be with me. Someone who will be himself and accept me for me; that is, someone who will love me for who I am, not what I do and, especially, not what I do for him. Someone who can be still with me; and breathe.
But I’m in no rush. I am most definitely not desperate, even with few fish in the sea.
Somehow, not being desperate seems to be another negative. Men, it seems, want women to be needy (but not too needy). They don’t recognize that is just another way of making the woman less than. If you think your partner must need you, then it’s not a partnership, it’s a control thing.
As a feminist in the hetero dating world, that is the biggest red flag of all.
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- Sadly true, and I do mean sadly. I would love to be sexually attracted to humans other than men, but it just isn’t there. I personally see this as anecdotal evidence that sexuality is not a choice. ↩︎
- Why anyone would put their grandchildren’s photos in a dating app, I have no idea. Of course I know many/most will be parents and probably grandparents, but why expose your progeny like that? I’m certainly never going to choose to reach out to a man because he has a photo of him hugging a kid–if anything, it gives me the ick. ↩︎
- These same men also usually have the word “chivalrous” somewhere in their profile and are openly Christian. Yikes. ↩︎
- Usually, when I did get some comment about me it wasn’t a question but was something like “I see you painted your toenails.” I have shown grace in not responding “Yeah, I paint my toenails for me; don’t get excited there, Sparky.” ↩︎