Every Sunday, I go to a non-denominational Buddhist temple where we recite the Heart Sutra and discuss its complex meaning. It, the sutra I mean, is a doozy: it both reinforces and completely dismantles some of the basics of Buddhist practice.
No matter what the word of the week is (we go through it word-by-word), the discussion is always interesting and thought-provoking. At sangha1 yesterday, the word was (translated) perfect wisdom2. As we shared what we thought that meant, one of us mentioned how a translation he liked used the word understanding instead of wisdom. And people then talked about how that changed what they thought about the meaning.
There was much discomfort. Some people seemed actively upset that there wasn’t a precise translation or meaning. I kind of laughed to myself because, as a student of languages, I learned long ago that language is anything but precise. It’s what we have, though, until we learn to do the Vulcan mind meld.
Earlier in the meeting, in summing up the sutra, the leader of our group mentioned how the sutra says there is nothing to attain and asked us to imagine not trying to attain anything. We constantly are trying to attain! When some of the other practitioners talked about how they were struggling to even accept that the meaning of prajnaparamita wasn’t concrete, that there wasn’t an answer, it dawned on me that they3 were trying to attain a meaning. They wanted to get it right. See, attainment sneaks in.
But, the sutra says, prajnaparamita is the way to end suffering and that there is no attainment–nothing to attain–so if we try to attain are we not causing our own suffering?
Yup.
The leader later spoke about our obsessive need for attainment. I think he was giving a not entirely subtle dig to the meditation apps as he pointed out that trying to get meditation right is exactly not what meditation, or the dharma, is about. He said that whether you sit for 5 minutes or an hour, it doesn’t matter. You just need to be present and come back to the breath. You don’t need to be better today than yesterday. You don’t need to track–to keep a streak–to try to be perfect.
I looked down at my watch.
And smiled.
I wasn’t checking the time. Rather, I started wearing my old Timex about a week ago, having given up wearing an Apple Watch except for my actual morning workout4. I smiled at the Timex’ inability to track a damn thing. It just shows the time. I am seriously considering stopping using the Apple Watch entirely. I suspect I will.
Even now, though, with not wearing the watch all day, this morning, the Apple Heath app gave me a warning about my drastic decrease in total activity. I really felt the pull to fix the problem, to be better, to track…it was visceral, almost. I thought about how we have become beholden to devices like these and their prodding us to attainment. Do more, hit your goals, keep your streak.
I chose to turn off the notifications.
Not wearing the Apple Watch is a huge step for me. I have been known for tracking, measuring, trying to achieve some sort of perfection. I absolutely think that striving is part of how I have dealt with the traumas life has given me. If I am perfect, life will be easier. I will be loved or respected… at least I won’t be looked down on or accused of not trying hard enough. I will have attained and I will have proof.
I am renouncing that, in part by the simple act of taking off the tracking device. Of not logging time, effort, mileage, etc. I won’t check the trends and see if I’m achieving, attaining. Of course, I won’t give up entirely–for example, I know I will very likely overeat if I don’t measure so I will use the scale and maybe write down what I’m eating if I’m not feeling my best. But no longer will I let some device tell me I’m not being a good enough human.
The mantra of prajnamaramita is gate gate pāragate pārasaṃgate bodhi svāhā, or gone, gone, gone beyond, gone utterly beyond, awakening/enlightenment, rejoice.
So, rather than continue trying to attain (as much), I am gone, baby, gone.
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- For the non-Buddhists, a community of practitioners is called “the sangha” and it is often used as shorthand for the group practice. Where a Jew may say they went to temple, a Muslim to mosque (or prayers), or a Christian to church, we often say we go to sangha (more rarely, temple). This isn’t significant–just a little language lesson. ↩︎
- Prajnamaramita, so it’s one word in Sanskrit. ↩︎
- I’m not being all judgy here; I was just aware that, as for me (and some others), I wasn’t trying to find the answer. I happen to think that, whatever the translation we will never know exactly the meaning and, rather, the general idea is simply that letting go is key. ↩︎
- I stopped wearing it for sleep tracking some months ago. It just stressed me out as I have a low resting heart rate and sometimes sleep in positions that make the watch inform me that I am mostly dead. ↩︎