People often come to Buddhism thinking it will make them happier; as if Buddhism is about happiness. It’s not. It never has been. The historical Buddha never said “Meditate your way to happiness” or even anything close to that. If anything, he pointed out that the path is difficult. Buddhism is about acceptance; that is quite a different bird.
Buddhism teaches that what we think things are is almost certainly not what they actually are. Very (very!) much simplified, there is conventional reality and ultimate reality. We experience something through our senses then create projections in our minds based on those sensations, and then we believe those projections are reality. Truth. The way things actually, objectively are. Those projections are conventional reality. We think the table is made of wood because our senses tell us this hard, wood-like thing with four legs and a flat top reads to us as “table” and the material reads as “wood.” And conventional reality isn’t wrong1, exactly; it’s incomplete. I mean a table is a table and wood is wood. Ultimate reality, though, is more and beyond our (unenlightened beings’) scope.
Think about a brick. A typical, generic, red brick. It has weight. It feels solid. When you hold it in your hand it is a heavy, kind of rough-surfaced thing that you are holding. It is not you–you are softer and fleshy…it is something not you: a brick. But where does the brick end and you begin? Can you find that? What about the space in-between the atoms that make up the brick and that make up you. Neither it nor you are as solid as we like to think. Is there an overlap of the electron shells? When the dust of the brick stays on your skin after you put down the brick, is the brick less a brick? Are you, with the brick dust on your skin, now a bricktohuman? It is unknowable; that is, the ultimate reality regarding the brick and you and the interplay of them both is unknowable. The ultimate reality is beyond conventional reality, and beyond our own capabilities of knowing.
So, in Buddhism, we learn to accept that the brick is both the brick (conventional reality), a thing in our hand, and something more/different/other-than-brick (ultimate reality). So is our hand. So are each of us2.
Moreover, our understanding of conventional reality is based on our (flawed) senses (sight, touch, taste, smell, hearing, thought) and our interpretation of those senses is even more flawed and pings our brains to like, dislike, or feel neutral about whatever. We make choices based on how we feel about things. As the leader at my temple says sometimes, “Do you ever go to a restaurant and have a meal that tasted awful then go back to that restaurant and order that same thing the next day? Of course not! You didn’t like it so you push it away (aversion). But if you liked it, you may order it again (craving).” Aversion and craving cause dukkha, i.e., suffering. I like this person, I don’t like that one. I like this feeling, I don’t like that one. This one I don’t feel anything about (neutral). I want more of what I like and less of what I don’t… boom, dukkha.
Basically, and I mean basically, when we try to control what arises, to get more of what we like and less of what we don’t, we get neither and a big old pile of dukkha, instead.
However, if we recognize these sensations as they arise, like/dislike and all their variations, and curiously observe the pull and push rather than be jerked around by them or trying to control them, things feel better. Oh, I don’t like that flavor…isn’t that interesting; I notice I smile a lot when I’m with Barb…huh, what’d you know. We can learn to just be with whatever is arising, react less and respond more. Do that, and everything shifts. That is, if we practice acceptance for things as they are, not wish for them to be otherwise, we suffer less. We may not be “happy” but we’re definitely less miserable.
We can do this with all the emotions that arise. Today, I feel sad, really sad…I can feel it in my chest and there is even an odd sensation around my temples…this is what sadness feels like in my body today…huh, interesting… Or, my chest hurts from laughing at that comedy and I’m tearing up even…this is definitely joy. I’m surprised at how strong my appreciation for this comedy is… wow, there’s more than just the laughter, how cool… Or, I’m hurt by what my partner just said…I wonder what is going on with them that they said something hurtful…
No matter what it is that we are experiencing, we can accept that we don’t know the whole of it and we can choose to accept it for what it is, as best as we do understand it. Moreover, we can know that it will end, like all phenomena. Impermanence is a universal truth: everything changes/ends. Sad now…not sad in 30 minutes (or whatever)3. None of it lasts. When we accept the impermanence of what is arising, as well as whatever is arising itself, everything feels less weighty.
In that lightening, we can then actively choose how to respond to whatever it is. Your partner says something hurtful and, instead of reactively sniping back, being curious about the causes behind their action gives you space to respond. Still hurts, sure, but now instead of yelling at them you can choose to calmly say, “That was hurtful. Can you tell me what’s going on with you that made you say that?” You’re not letting them get away with being hurtful–you are seeking to understand the bigger picture. Moreover, the hurt they inflicted will be lessened.
I can attest to this shift, especially in the physical realm. I’ve written before about my butt surgery and what got me through it was the acceptance (1) it was whatever it was; and (2) whatever it was would end, eventually if not sooner. Did I experience pain? Absolutely. But when I chose to accept it (both 1 & 2, above), I did not fear the pain and process as I had in the past. I am sure it was less bad than it would have been if I was stuck in the aversion to pain. I’m not saying the surgery and healing process were easy; I am saying that I had less anxiety and suffering, even though there was pain, etc.
So, although Buddhism (and meditation) is not about happiness (sorry!), but rather acceptance, at least to my mind that acceptance and its effects feel more like happiness. At the very least, it sucks less.
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- Well, except about the truth stuff, then it pretty much always is wrong. The truth about anything is probably more than we can fathom and, thus, is in the ultimate reality realm. ↩︎
- This, by the way, is related to what Buddhist are talking about when we talk about non-self. There is no actual thing that is Leslie, separate from everything else, separate from the air, the earth, Ruthie, a morning poop, or the brick… everything. Leslie arises interdependently and as a result of all sorts of other phenomena, but there is no such thing as a solid Leslie…which is kind of a relief, when you think about it. ↩︎
- Same for happiness, too. It’s not just the “bad” stuff that is impermanent…it’s everything. ↩︎