Last night, I watched the reunion episode of Love is Blind (US)1. I had somehow made it through the whole season, even though it was often painful. The women were a mix of okay to fully narcissistic (inspired by trauma, in at least one eastern European participant). Mostly they were of the woo-hoo girl variety: youngish professionals with fake nails and lots of makeup who, when in a group, woo-hoo and dress just a smidge too over-the-top for most events. The men though… ooof, it’s hard to call them men. Man-boys. Wannabros. Yikes.
More than once during the series I said to my tv, as if the participants could hear me: leave, get out now, run away. Not just to the women, but often to them. Sometimes, it was to both of them as in, “Why are you two even thinking about marriage!?”
In the end, only one couple got married. I was surprised as she seemed like a fairly smart, educated, rational human from a decent, liberal (ish, at least) family. She works in health care. Has a good sense of humor. And is attractive for bonus points. Him? Ugh. I never liked him and was rather surprised that she said yes in the first place. He’s a Christian and sounded pretty MAGA or at least MAHA, with his raw milk, etc. His home was unclean–like moldy unclean. And he was definitely reactive when stressed–nasty to customer service people, etc. I thought for sure she’d bolt at the altar but she didn’t.
It didn’t last. As they spoke about the breakup on the show, he said he screwed up by getting drunk on a guys’ night out and got a girl’s number and inappropriately texted her. Swears nothing physical happened. Later admits she was a striper. Oh, and an “escort,” to use his term. He also admitted that he liked getting attention from women. Other women. But, whatever, he made it clear it was a one-off error on his part2. They had a “happy marriage” for the year before he did this, according to him.
Her story was, well, different. Yes, that all happened and yes she believes that nothing physical happened with that woman, but that was the final straw, not the reason for the breakup. As she put it, she was unhappy for most of the marriage. He was nasty to her. He called her dumb and other names. He dumped all the mental load of the marriage on her. And he wasn’t there for her while also constantly demanding reassurance and attention from her. “I was lonely in my marriage” she finally said.
Oh girl, I feel you.
She talked about how she has a habit of staying longer than she should in bad situations. Of thinking she can fix it or somehow be better. She makes excuses for the guy’s behavior (he’s stressed, etc.). She wants to give it absolutely all she has and ends up giving so much more than she should. Of hurting herself. Of hiding how bad it is. Of taking blame when his behavior was never her fault.
Oh girl, I feel you so much.
That loneliness of feeling like you are doing all the work sucks. Hard. Getting berated on top of it sucks even more. Saying “Hey, I’m here. I’m in this and want us to succeed,” then getting the cold shoulder; doing everything you can but still getting emotionally kicked in the teeth with contempt and disrespect, it is just, well, so very lonely making.
And then I thought about the other women who had the sense to pull the plug before making the vows. They recognized that the men they had fallen for were not ready to be partners. These were guys in their 30s (one was close to if not actually 40), but they weren’t even close to ready. None of them were.
As the Washington Post put it, this season was all about toxic masculinity3. Boy howdy. It must be terrible for younger women out there these days, looking for real partners. Then, as I think about it, that has been my experience: I have had not partners but men who simultaneously want to be taken care of and who resent it, calling it being “mothered.” It’s often (emotional/verbal) abuse. It’s very definitely lonely making but it isn’t new. Perhaps what is new is that it is finally getting talked about. Seen.
That actually is a good thing. The more of us who stand up and say “I loved my man and he was verbally abusive/acted like a spoiled child/whatever” the more women in those situations won’t feel so lonely. We will be able to move on, sooner. We will be able to say “no, I don’t have to live with this” and not feel like we have failed (or at least not feel so much like that).
And no, I am not throwing men under the bus. There are good ones out there, sure; as for those who are less so, many come from toxic, abusive backgrounds and have not gotten the help they need. They haven’t had anyone help them wake up much less help them heal. We need more men to stand up and say “The bro thing is fucked up–that is not being a good man; I know, I was that guy but I woke up, got help, and did the work.” Y’all need to call each other out AND show the way to healing.
That last part is important: good men need to take the responsibility of actually identifying this in your male friends; and, so identified, men need to take the responsibility of doing the work to heal. It’s not fun. It is work. Anyone who has had trauma can tell you that. But the only way to become the good human you are meant to be, who you really are in your bones, is to do the work.
You guys are just as lonely as we are.
None of us have to be.
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- Yes, I know it is shit tv, but I’m a sucker for the idea of love, hope, and the oddness of how it may arise. ↩︎
- Oh, and his family and friends all defended him because, they insisted, “he is a good Christian.” Yikes. ↩︎
- That opinion piece gives Stew a pass which I think is not accurate–he was just as bad, IMO. ↩︎